he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
