K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
