I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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