Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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