I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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