i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
