if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
