I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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