I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
