when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
