just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
