dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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