i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
