yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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