I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
