Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
