Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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