can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
