My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
