apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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