I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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