Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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