The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
