I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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