I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
