I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
