I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
