He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
