Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just found puke in my bra..
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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