I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
