I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
