Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
