We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
