The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
