Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
