Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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