please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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