I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I could make wine with my vomit
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
