Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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