the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
