Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
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