I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
