I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
