whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
