just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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