I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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