she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
