Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
