can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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