Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
